CHAPTER ELEVEN

The following is an excerpt from the book Stream of Unconsciousness available on the Amazon and Barnes and Noble website.

It was completely dark when I left Dallas’ office and made my way home, exhausted. I was not looking forward to the conversation I was about to have with my children. I didn’t know what, if anything, Lauren said to the kids about what was going to happen to me, but I knew I had to tell them something. I couldn’t just leave for thirty days and not tell them anything. There had to be a reason for my departure.

One of the benefits of finally telling the truth, albeit under extreme pressure, was that I didn’t have the pressure of lying anymore. No more smoke and mirrors with our bank accounts. No more sneaking upstairs into my closet to do drugs and alcohol. No more lies. It was a huge relief, like the proverbial boulder had just been lifted off my shoulders. I now had the opportunity to be honest, and I would carry it forward in my conversation with my children. I would tell them the truth, in a child appropriate manner, about my past and where I needed to go to get better. This honesty thing would be fun. And then I had realized something else that excited me. I had no recollection of telling Dallas or Lauren that I would not be doing the rest of my coke that was burning a hole in my pocket on the way home. If I did it, I reasoned, I would not be violating my Vow of Truth. I had already found a loophole in the system. I removed the coke from my pocket, rolled up the bill that was in my console and took a huge blast. Thirty days was a long time. I was going out with a bang.

When I arrived at my house, which was lit up like a Christmas tree, Lauren and Dallas were waiting for me in the driveway. They had been chatting as I drove up. I immediately became suspicious and wondered if there were more surprises in store for me. Perhaps in addition to sending me to rehab, she had decided to throw me out of the house and needed Dallas’ support to carry out her intention. I didn’t know if I was going to walk into the house and find every possession of mine neatly boxed up and ready to be placed in storage, or worse yet, at some degenerate halfway house waiting for me upon my release from rehab. I really had screwed things up between us, and it wouldn’t have surprised me if she had done just that.

The kids greeted me at the door when I walked in. It was a school night, and they were already dressed for bed. Nicholas was wearing his favorite red and gray flannel pajamas. Jennifer had one of my old t-shirts on along with some pajama bottoms adorned with pirate characters that I had purchased for her from the Treasure Island Hotel in Vegas while I was there for a convention. As I recall, along with the PJs, I had also purchased a six-pack of Heineken and two mini bottles of Jack Daniels. I had already cleaned out the hotel room mini bar from the night before and I needed more supplies for that evening.

Dallas and Lauren followed me into the house. It was fairly obvious to the kids that something was up. Lauren had walked in with a blue duffel bag that she had packed for my “trip.” She had also come into the house with a complete stranger. This was not normal activity for us, and the kids seemed to pick up on it right away. I looked at Lauren, and it was clear to us that we had to say something to the kids right then and there concerning what was happening. Between the two of us, the best we could come up with at that moment was, “Daddy was sick and needed to go away for a little while to get better.”

Jennifer and Nicholas were immediately terrified at the concept of their father being both sick and needing to go away. I could tell by the look on their sweet faces that the floodgates of tears were about to open. I hated myself for having done this to them. They didn’t deserve to have their father taken away.

Hey, wait! I didn’t feel as if I deserved to be taken away either! my demented thinking told me as it crept back into my consciousness. This whole thing was the fault of Dallas and Lauren. The pain that my children and I are feeling is the direct result of their brilliant plan to make me “better”. Didn’t they consider what it would do to the family? Did they think of the pain they would inflict? Because of their plan, which gave me no options, I now had to explain to my children that I was “sick” and needed to vacate the house and move up to some drunk tank and convalesce for thirty days.

The more I thought about it the more incensed I became. However, I did my best to remove the anger from my thoughts in order to comfort the kids.

“Guys,” I said, hugging them there in the front hall. “I’m going to be okay. I’ve got a type of sickness where I’ll need to be away for a little while to get better. Don’t worry. I’ll be back soon, and Mommy will take good care of you guys while I’m gone.”

Jennifer began to cry. I hated to see her cry, particularly now that I was the cause of it. She finally managed to get some words out.

“Are you going to die?”

Where did that come from? Did she know something I didn’t?

“No sweetheart,” I said, as calmly as I could, given that I still had my coke buzz going from the blast I had on the way home. “I’m going to be just fine. Mommy found a great place for me to go and they are going to help me out. Please don’t worry.”

Nicholas had been resisting the tears, but he finally broke. One by one they began streaming down his face.

“When are you coming home?” he said choking back the tears.

The fact of the matter was that I had no idea what was in store for me beyond the thirty days. They had mentioned thirty days, minimum. For all I knew there was some plan to keep me there longer. The real question was, would I ever be allowed back in the house after the horrible things I had done to Lauren? Nevertheless, I had to tell them something, anything to get them to stop crying. It was killing me to see their pain. “Nicholas, I’ll be back soon. That’s all I can tell you. I’m going to go upstairs now and pack a few more things and then I’ll come down and we’ll talk about it some more.”………