I’m a big fan of drug tests, but can you always trust the results? All you have to do is spend a little time on the internet and chances are that you’ll find a wide variety of products and suggestions designed to help a determined substance abuser defeat the system and test clean.

But what about the situation where a drug test is administered, the results come in positive (in other words, the test suggests the presence of drugs in the system) and the individual who is tested swears on a stack of Bibles that he has not used and is clean. Kind of sounds like the mantra of countless inmates proclaiming their innocence.

Well, that is exactly what happened to me. Without going into great detail, I voluntarily submit to drug testing whenever asked to do so by family members. I know it sounds kind of screwy, but the fact of the matter is that I have been sober for nearly three and a half years, am committed to my recovery and have absolutely nothing to hide. In view of the Holiday season I guess the group conscience decided it would be prudent to request a drug test and so, on Christmas Eve, along with Christmas presents and Holiday spirit, I handed over a warm cup of pee.

Several minutes later, their looks said it all. Words were unneccessary. It was in their eyes. I took a look at the testing kit and sure enough it gave the appearance of being positive for several types of illegal drugs. It wasn’t clearly positive, but certainly not clearly negative. That was all that was necessary for several people in my clan. Despite my protests to the contrary, in their eyes I had relapsed.

The first thing I examined was the drug test. For so much riding on a test (reputation, integrity, and honor, to name just a few) it occured to me that the drug test was not exactly high-tech. I found out that the test was relatively inexpensive and was nearing its expiration date. Nevertheless, it was a drug test and it didn’t do much to support my claim of sobriety.

So, at about 10:00 pm, on Christmas Eve, minutes after I had been tested, I decided to drag a trusted family member with me to the UCLA emergency room for a comprehensive CSI-styled blood and urine drug test to get to the bottom of this mystery once and for all.

Hundreds of dollars (emergency room fees, etc.) and several hours later, the comprehensive results came in. Clean as the proverbial whistle on all counts.

I guess the moral of this story is that in fairness to the person being tested, step up to the plate and invest in some quality drug tests and make sure they are no where close to their expiration date. I can tell you from this rather uncomfortable experience that there really is nothing like the look of condemnation when you are in fact innocent.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to work on ridding myself of some newly discovered resentments.