In a few short months, I’ll be celebrating three years of sobriety. Needless to say, my life has changed dramatically going from abject misery and despair to satisfaction and a sense of purpose. That is not to say that my life has been replete with rainbows and butterflies. Life has a tendency to present unexpected surprises and not all of them are of the cheerful variety. The difference now, however, is that thanks to the lessons I’ve learned in my ongoing recovery, I adjust accordingly moving forward in a healthy manner.

Drug dreams have been one of those unexpected surprises. I remember experiencing quite a few drinking and drugging dreams during my first few months of sobriety. I was amazed at how they affected me. Oftentimes they were so powerful that when I awoke it felt as though I had actually used during the night. I would wake up feeling ashamed. It was as if I actually relapsed. Fortunately, these dreams were occuring while I was in the midst of treatment and so I had plenty of opportunity to debrief with the attending staff.

Over time, my using dreams subsided and finally disappeared altogether. That is until last week. It had been about two years since my last using dream when out of nowhere my subconscious mind manufactured a gem. It was a disturbingly vivid dream about snorting cocaine. No detail was spared. From the burn of cocaine traveling up my nose to the devastating shame of a relapse.

I’m not sure why these dreams occur, and, for that matter how long they will play a part in my life. What I do know is that the heavy feeling I experience waking up from a using dream is very real and one I choose not to leave unchecked. It gave me great peace of mind to know that relief was available in the form of AA Fellowship. I thumbed through my handy copy of the Los Angeles AA directory (well over two thousand meeting per week) and found a meeting several minutes drive from my house. No doubt there would be a hand going up when requests for “burning desires” was announced.